I recall voices echoing through my childhood, all drawing on a similar theme: Live in the moment. There was my mom’s constant reminder, “Worry doesn’t help anything!” or my Home Economics teacher who modelled living as if every day was your last. This approach always existed only at the periphery of my life philosophy. Instead, I often found myself living in the nostalgia and regrets of the past, or the imaginary musings and nagging fears of the future. I was safe there. I could manipulate old memories and replay events at my leisure. I could control my own fantasy world. Or could I?
A few months ago I decided to practice being intentionally present in each moment. I observed that my thoughts, although often harmless in content, were inhibiting me from being fully aware, and thus disengaged from reality.
I began to understand what drives the greatest masters and athletes. Whether balanced high up on the 14th century scaffolding in the Sistine Chapel, or breaking the tape after clocking a 3:43:13 mile, these great ones know where their ultimate power lies. They know what it is to draw strength and inspiration from the space that lies between past and future.
Whether they realize it or not, I think every person has hobbies or activities they are drawn to because of their natural attraction to connectedness and harmony with the present moment. Cooking, jogging, birdwatching, art, or sports, these activities thrust us from the past and future where our minds are so often preoccupied, and plunge us into the here and now. Here our senses are heightened and ultimately we become aware of the immediate, perceptive of visible and invisible.
How has being present with each moment impacted my day to day? A few months has only given me a little practice and a slight inkling of the richness of life lived in awareness. But I can say I’m beginning to know the peace that comes with accepting each moment void of worry, anticipation, and regret. A brief walk to the lake, for example, has become an adventure of ever changing bird trills, vibrant flowers, and fascinating architecture, rather than a repetitious onslaught of analysis and interpretation.
Most important, I think, has been the recognition that the person I am with is a completely fresh, unique individual in each moment. If I carry memories, grudges, and assumptions about that person into this new minute, I do them and myself a disservice. I’m blind to the deep peace and love their soul is, albeit often disguised with egoic emotions.
As I began to introduce this new mindset in to practical life, I had a sense the timing was less than arbitrary. I knew life would test me before long. June 3, 2020 confirmed my feelings.
This particular Wednesday found me in the ER, doubled over with severe abdominal pain. The doctor’s cursory prognosis promised anything ranging from a minor infection to widespread cancer. Naturally, my thoughts latched on to the latter possibility, and I braced myself for a few hours of unknown and possibly a lifetime of illness…or premature death?
“Life is kinder than the thoughts we think about it.” I couldn’t recall where I had just heard these words, but they stumbled around in my mind as a nurse came in to check my vitals, laying a warm blanket over me before she dimmed the lights and left the room.
I was literally alone with my thoughts. Now I had a choice. I could prepare for the worst and be happy with anything less, or I could acknowledge my condition as God’s business and place my future firmly into His hands.
When I chose to keep out of God’s business, I felt an overwhelming peace and trust like I’ve never known. I began to see the medical staff around me as distinctive humans who I could connect with despite the PPE. I started to view my situation through eyes of gratefulness. The 40-minute ambulance ride flew by as I shot the breeze with the good-natured EMTs. The hour long wait time on the gurney opened up as a much needed opportunity for connection with those closest to me. Those “gurney chats” (as we later coined the phrase) italicized the incredible reassurance of God’s presence unpreventable by even the most uncompromising Covid19 precautions.
I’m supremely grateful to the medical staff who deemed my situation worthy of emergency surgery. Within 24 hours I was on the road to home and recovery, and am privileged to have received quality care and a clean bill of health.
In reflection, I marvel at those hours of medical unclarity I underwent, during which I experienced a deep encounter with the reality of God. He knows our pasts and futures, yet He loves us as we are, in each moment. His kingdom is timeless and His love, a gift.
